Kate Didd

Day 137

Today is storming. It’s like everything that’s been in my head for the last couple weeks is finally on the outside of my body.

But my body was quiet this morning. I woke up with clarity, the click of the light, big stretches, softness wrapped up in my husband and me. I reached for my gym clothes before I even fully decided to.

I didn’t know what I was doing when I got there. It was lighter weights. Come back to beginner. Safer. Softer, not easier, softer. We’re doing endurance training now. Lower weight, more reps. I can feel the difference. I’m training for something. It’s almost calling me and I don’t know why.

I had a lemonade hydration drink with electrolytes this morning, a new thing, because I haven’t been feeling myself. I’ve been holding onto resentment again, and I needed to wear out my body so the storm on the inside could go out into the world instead.

I looked at my husband from across the gym. He sees me struggling, and he lets me be. He knows when I’m working and gives me space to feel safe, and he lets me know when he’s moving on to the next thing.

That’s all I needed him for this morning, just a couple sets of him nearby.

I’m not weak. I’m tired. So tired. But I’m doing this for me.

The Woman in the Mirror

I have built myself into the woman that rescued me, and I’m pretty fucking proud of it. I love her. But she’s tired, and broken in places, and she has seen way too much war for someone starting over as a beginner. New mindset, new body, new avatar and it’s overwhelming to feel confident in it when I’ve only been doing this work a few years.

Sometimes I feel like I’m shouting my boundaries instead of stating them. And I know that’s not working, because I got lost in it again yesterday. That’s not fair came out of my mouth like life has ever once been fair to me. I just wish, one time, it would be. Does everything have to be so hard?

The Girl at the Gym

I caught myself thinking, why is this person trying to dismantle my life? What is your problem? Then I realized: this is just another girl whose friends aren’t as pretty as her, who knows she doesn’t do the work, and who clocks the fact that I do. I speak openly about taking care of myself. People who don’t have that kind of discipline used to make me feel like it was selfish, before I understood it was supposed to be mine to protect.

For a second I felt attacked. Then I realized it’s just static in the mechanics of the world we live in. If none of this is real, if we’re all just building our own experience, then maybe what bothers her is that I’m loud and proud, full of standards and boundaries, while she’s still people-pleasing. And people-pleasing aches. It makes you hate yourself.

So I wasn’t angry anymore. I was sad for her. Not pity just pattern recognition. Character traits create patterns. People who abandon themselves regularly will abandon everyone, because they don’t know what loyalty is, even to themselves.

Got it. Some people call this avoidance. I call it a boundary. I can have the tough conversations, I just can’t make someone comprehend what I’ve learned through experience, suffering, and light.

Grief, Perspective, and Getting Too Old for This

I got to talk to both my brothers this week, and it hit me that the grief of our mother is far behind us now, and life really isn’t that big of a deal. Six months ago, this same moment, someone trying to get under my skin, would’ve eaten me alive. I would’ve taken it personally. Made it tit for tat. Turned it into a long war, waged mostly against myself.

I’m too old for childish games. I have better things to do. I am loved. My children love me. My husband loves me. My brothers and their wives love me. My cousin called me this week just to call me. The love is there. I am deeply loved, and I respect myself. That’s life at this level.

Outgrowing the Room, Again

I’m outgrowing rooms again. And instead of resenting that, I can be thankful for this part of the journey and recognize when it’s time to exit.

Here’s what I learned from all of this: it was never about the attack. It’s about the fact that if one person can’t grow ahead of you, they don’t want you to grow at all. They will destroy everything around them just to make sure you’re never better than them. That jealousy, you can’t be around it for long. But once you clock it for what it is, you can stand in the same room with it and let it not touch you.

So let’s not let it touch me.

I got got yesterday. I was surprised. But goddamn, today I got me back. By the bootstraps.

Fuck it Friday. You know what I mean.