Kate Didd

(Day 81)

I haven’t been writing.

And that’s how I know something’s off.

Because when I stop writing, it means I’ve been listening to everything else except myself. And that’s dangerous for me. That’s how I lose the plot. That’s how I end up in my own head, but not in control of it.

Right now, I feel like every muscle under my skin is vibrating. Like my body is moving faster than my mind can process. I can’t even tell what emotion this is rage, fear, adrenaline, all of it tangled together. And if I’m being honest, I’m pretty sure I’m in a full-blown PTSD episode.

I’m frozen.

And I hate that feeling more than anything.

Because my brain won’t shut up. It keeps replaying everything I’ve survived. Everything I’ve built. Everything I fought to get out of. And then it drags me right back to the moment, right before I left for vacation, when someone decided to come for me.

Again.

And I’m sitting here asking myself, what age does this stop?

When do I just get to live my life without being bothered by people who project their chaos onto me?

I was over here minding my business. Building my life. Fixing my finances. Creating something real. And out of nowhere, I had to turn around and defend myself because someone unstable decided I was a target.

That’s the part that triggered me.

Not the person. Not even what they said.

The interruption.

The violation of my peace.

Because I live on integrity now. On consistency. On doing what I say I’m going to do. And when someone who lives in chaos throws themselves at me, it’s like being dragged back into a life I already clawed my way out of.

And I snapped.

Not just at her but at everything.

Years of being harassed. Years of being pushed. Years of holding it together. All of that didn’t go where it belonged. It came out sideways. It came out fast. And it came out hard.

And I hate that.

Because that version of me?
She’s real.
But she’s not who I’m trying to be anymore.

I’m not “nice.” I’ve never been nice.
But I am good.

And my boundaries? They are electric fences. I warn people. I give them space to correct themselves. But if you keep pushing, don’t act surprised when you meet the part of me that knows how to survive war.

Still… I don’t want to live there.

And that’s where the internal fight is right now.

One side of me is ready to burn everything down.
The other side is like, absolutely not we are not ruining our life over someone who doesn’t even have one.

Because that’s the truth.

She’s not my level. She’s not my focus. She’s not even my problem.

She’s a distraction.

A pest.

And I don’t build empires just to get pulled into chaos with people who refuse to build anything at all.

So I’m sitting here, literally talking to myself like:

“Get it together. Pick your shit up. We are not doing this again.”

Because I’ve worked too hard to clean myself up just to let one moment of anger undo my progress.

I know where I came from.

I know who I had to become to survive it.

And I also know this:

I am not better than anyone.

I just made better choices.

And that’s the part that humbles me. Because everything I have now my stability, my growth, my discipline that came from me finally taking responsibility for my life.

No more excuses. No more blaming. No more waiting for someone to save me.

So yeah… part of me looks at people who refuse to do that and feels anger. Even jealousy, if I’m being real. Because it must be nice to avoid accountability. To fall apart and have someone else pick up the pieces.

But that’s not my life.

I built mine the hard way.

And it’s heavy sometimes.

I get tired of carrying it alone.
I get tired of being strong all the time.
I get tired of being the one who has to hold it together when no one ever asked what I needed.

But I didn’t come this far just to lose myself again.

That reckless version of me, the one that reacts, that destroys, that doesn’t care about consequences, she had her purpose.

She kept me alive.

But she doesn’t get to run my life anymore.

Because every time she does, she ruins something good.

And I’m done ruining good things.

I want peace.

I want stability.

I want to wake up and not feel like I have to defend my existence.

And I’m getting closer to that. I am.

This, right here, is just the reminder.

That no matter how far I go, there will always be people who try to pull me back.

But I don’t have to go.

I can feel the anger without becoming it.
I can acknowledge the trigger without living in it.
I can stand in who I am now without proving anything to anyone.

I’m not weak for reacting.

But I am responsible for what I do next.

And what I’m choosing next… is me.

Not the chaos.
Not the fight.
Not the past.

Just me.

Learning how to be happy without burning everything down to get there.